Fanfiction Conversation With Sara Jaksa

ZK: An Interesting Way To Define Something Is How It Makes You Feel. So, What Does The Word 'Fanfiction' Evoke For You?

Sara: A lot of feelings. The most prominent one would be a mixture of the focus and negativity of meditation and the calm and warmth of snuggling under the blanket.

Which is not really a definition, right?

For me it invokes these feelings because fanfiction related daydreams have been a comping mechanism for me for... at least a decade and a half? When the negative feelings would overwhelm me, mostly anger, I would go for a walk and the stories in my head with these already existing fictional characters allowed me to shift the focus to something else, smouldering the other feelings.

Every time my mind wanted to jump back to the negative feelings, I forced it back to the self-insert, multi-crossover, time travel stories. It allowed me to put attention to something more positive than letting the anger fester.

While it does evoke the feeling of glee, the giddy jumping, the expensive creativity, the connections, the building of the village, all these feelings tend to take the back seat to the upper one.

Sara: Did You Ever Have To Explain What Fanfiction Is To Somebody Unaware Of It? How Did You Do It And How Did It Go?

ZK: Yes, and it was delightful, if awkward. They'd just read This Is Not a Book About Benedict Cumberbatch by Tabitha Carvan (an excellent read) which references online fan culture and were...bemused. They asked me to clarify a few things.

Having the world of the seemingly ordinary and that of fandom collide was an experience. An enlightening, if confusing one for them, and if I'm honest, a rather hilarious one for me.

Being forced to explain something to an outsider or someone without your context is an opportunity to examine yourself. Why do you do it that way? When did you start? How do you think about it?

In that discussion, I realized two things. Even in my abiding love for fanfiction, I allow fear and shame to get in the way of reading and writing it. And Star Wars is as important in forming who I've become as my queerness.

Recollecting that reminds me of a common phrase people use when confronted with something they don't understand: 'I can't imagine how/I could never do that.' Granted, I'm guilty of uttering those phrases, yet the underlying condescension grates. Why can't we learn about things without inserting our worldview, even if only for a few seconds?

I'd argue 'fannish' communities are a misunderstood, fractured, derided bunch. Yet we fear what we don't understand. And while fandom is complicated, it's beautiful in its messiness, and so life-giving when everything else takes from us.

ZK: Have You Ever Felt You Had To Separate The Self Who Loves Fanfiction From The Rest? Why? How Do You Bridge The Divide?

Sara: Yes and no. I don't hide that I write fanfiction. My boss knows I write fanfiction, I presented the data analysis talk using fanfiction data in the tech conference and I presented a version of that talk at work beforehand. I publish it on my blog and my friends know about it. I talk about it to people in real life.

That does not mean that I am equally open about it to everybody.

I recently had a conversation that shows that. In the end of May, I was at the Python conference in Italy. We were talking about my work and I mentioned fanfiction, serving as an introduction to what fanfiction is for them.

Then came the question about what my last story I wrote were. In that moment I realised that talking about mpreg, which was my last story was weird, yet still acceptable. Talking about my fandom angst week stories that I wrote before that one was not. Not to somebody that is not familiar with the culture and that I am meeting for the first time.

I did later talked about this in the fandom Discord server I am in and to a person that inspired that mpreg story, in order to figure out my reaction to that.

I think it mostly comes from a couple of times when people were not receptive to talking about this topics. Fanfiction as an abstract is usually alright with everybody I met. Omorashi or vore are not and some people do show how uncomfortable they are once they realise what the conversation is about.

You mentioned shame in your previous answer. For me it is more like trying to simplify the social interactions that I already makes me feel out of the water. Socialisation is hard and I know that I have the tendency to be passive in it and let the other person dictate it.

Which is also why the only warning I ever posted on the fanfiction on my website is the one that I posted on the same day we discussed our websites at the work lunch. A new coworker also had a website and in the small chance he would add my website to his RSS feed, I didn't want the first thing to arrive to be a torture, kidnapping story without any warnings.

I can talk about being very excited for the monsterfucking week somebody is thinking of organising in my fandom to my in-person friends, while to the person that hired me for my first job, I will talk about writing mystery stories. Both are true.

The most surprising reaction was probably connected to the smut writing. I told somebody that I am occasionally writing smut. Once I explained that this is basically erotica, they told me that I could find a nice man and write it together, testing it in a practical way. They changed their tune once they realised I don't write vanilla, het smut. (Mostly because the fandom I am currently in really lacks women characters)

At least personally, emotionally or phenomenologically, I never felt the need to separate my fanfiction loving self from the rest of it. Meaning that the breaching of the divide for me means mostly figuring out which parts of myself to express to different people and how to take risks socially. While psychologically it is a very integrated part of me.

Sara: How Did It Help To Form You In Who You Are?

ZK: That's a good one! Sometimes I wonder how many other writers' wrote their first story set in an already established universe. I did. When I was ~12, I spent much of my free time on Scratch (a programming/social site for kids by MIT) and discovered an interactive comic someone had made. I grew fascinated with the story, and so did several others. I saw them 'remix' the comic 'projects' and create prequels, sequels, fanart, and side quests. I wanted to get involved, but drawing people in complicated poses wasn't in my skillset. Writing seemed far more accessible, so I tried it.

Granted, I never showed it to anyone, and I haven't seen it since, but I still remember how fun it was.

It's a decade since, and though I've written more original fiction than fanfiction (a scale I'd like to one day even out) I still fall in love with the process whenever I sit to type. Even when it's hard. Especially then.

It's how I find myself and make sense of the world.

ZK: What Has Fanfiction Taught You About The Craft Of Writing?

Sara: A tough one. Both because I have been writing fiction for noticeably more than a decade and because I don't consider myself somebody that is good at the writing craft.

It made me more aware of how the punctuation, the length of the sentence, the repetition and similar effect the emotional experience of the text. I like to rumble. Rant. My sentences then to lag like Mondays. Twisting and turning. Until they are a mess like some children's doodling.

Sometimes I am surprised people can understand my unedited words. I can't be concise at all. My blog being the best example of that.

The clarity of the writing is another thing. It's one thing to try and communicate in the environment where one can not be sure if the person is intentionally or unintentionally obtuse. It's another thing when one writes a story and gets back the praise of a werewolf story, when I didn't even considers werewolves.

Then get the comments pinpointing and commenting on something I considered to leave very open to interpretation.

I try to be careful of that because of the interaction I once had. I wasn't sure of what a not-point-of-view character reaction was and the writer changed it to make it clearer. They considered it a better version for that. I think the previous version was better.

The emotional reaction of the text is something that happened at some point, yet I don't know when. I wrote a couple of stories for angst week for my fandom this year. I also did it in 2023. The change was surprising for me. At one point a became better at that. Somehow.

It is hard to sometimes know how much fanfiction was responsible for that. I got the lesson on the visual description and what other people get from it from playing Brindlewood Bay with a couple of friends. I wouldn't notice it if I wouldn't write stories. While I think it was Toastmasters that though me the value of doing something badly, even if fanfiction community is full of these.

The main point I am trying to beat into submission next is plotting a bit longer mysteries. While playing around with any other ideas I find interesting.

While correct grammar and spelling will probably stay my sworn enemies for a while longer.

Sara: What Does Craft Of Writing Means To You And What Had Fanfiction Taught You About It?

ZK: In short? Everything.

In a more coherent answer? Several things. Let me explain.

Words are my guiding light, my preferred processing method, and way of communicating. Written, mind you. Though I want to say many things and have a habit of getting excited and interrupting...I much prefer listening to an interesting conversation, only being involved by offering a brief comment or asking a question. How I love questions!

I still struggle with it daily, and have much to learn, however writing has taught me to be more measured, care about the details, use clear communication to my advantage, and what a beautiful absurdity the English language is.

I live for a stunning sentence.

I've noticed a strange and dare I say unwarranted divide between genre fiction and fanfiction and more literary traditions. Some of the best phrases, sentences, and paragraphs I've ever seen in my life weren't from a prize-winning novel. They were on Archive Of Our Own.

They say knowledge is power, but I'd argue language is power. And thus, comes the imperative to use it wisely. I don't always manage this, but it's something I aim for. I digress!

Fanfiction has taught me how to be playful and experimental with language, form, structure, and punctuation. It's shown me the power of metaphor and simile, and keeping things understated when the feeling speaks for itself. It's a training ground, and a well from which much of my other writing sprang.

ZK: What Would You Like To Do More Of In Your Fanfiction? What Would You Like To Try?

Sara: Editing. Editing. Editing.

Especially on the word and sentence level. I am trying to experiment more with the use of language and editing. With the former, I haven't yet find the way to be consistent. With the later I haven't yet find the way of doing it that I like.

I do try to use any interesting linguistic technique that I get reminded off. This includes anything from repetition, the use of punctuation, the onomatopoeia, the types of metaphors, the word use.

I put some of these rules as regex checks to see them as I write. A lot of tem are based on the structures and words in the language that I overuse. The words like 'but' or 'suddenly' or starting the sentence with 'And'. Or my frequent mistakes, like doubling the same word. Then added some of the ones that I read about, keeping them if I found them useful. Not using the word now or content. Not using adverbs.

I find these rules useful, as they make me stop and think if a better way of writing that particular sentence exist.

You mentioned in the previous answer, that you 'live for a stunning sentence'. I don't really know how to write a good sentence, let alone stunning one.

It both helps and doesn't help that I write majority of my fanfiction in English, which for me is a foreign language. I recently read in a blog post that words have baggage. For somebody speaking the foreign language, the words will have a different baggage, since the experience of language for that person is different. It is only sometimes hard to know which imagery, feeling and baggage are language specific and which are not.

I recent example of that was mulberry. Here, the mulberry tree is associated with specific type of rest. I was playing with the story, that used this idea. Since the canon is set in the 1880s London, I asked James if mulberries even grow in Britain. They do, they are rare and the association he had was mull wine. I didn't know anybody would make wine from these. That dashed that story idea, even when giving me another idea for what to make the characters drink.

Today I noted down the idea of using 'repetitive lines that change meaning over a piece of writing' to try out in the future, which I saw somewhere on the internet.

That is the aspirational goal. The one that I hope will manage to figure out how to tackle one day.

What I am mostly working on is figuring out how to write a bit longer mysteries. Most of my stories are one-shots. Yet a couple of ideas that I love ended up growing into something longer. For some reason, they are all also part mysteries. I am trying to figure out how to finish works like that.

Otherwise, I am somebody that is easy to inspire to try something. Talk to me about something and I might do it.

Sara: Were You Ever Surprised By Something You Keep Repeating In Your Work?

ZK: Yes, and no. I analyze myself and my writing endlessly, to my amusement, enjoyment, and often detriment. Ever heard of thinking until the concept itself of doing the act falls apart? I'll spiral downwards into a cesspool of unanswerable questions if I don't hold myself in check.

Yet in that curse is a blessing, if I look hard enough. And, if I remember moderation, and temperance.

I know little about psychoanalysis, but find the idea fascinating. What might a person versed in such theories think when they read my work? What patterns would emerge? What conclusions would they draw?

I'm almost afraid to know the answer.

I guess, in a way, we're all psychoanalyzing when we read. Even if we don't think about it consciously.

Up until recently, I'd thought, for reflective types, upon reading an example of the three main types of writing I've done: fanfiction, original fiction, whatever it is I've done on my website (creative nonfiction, perhaps) they might think all three were written by three different people.

While I write fiction nowhere near as much as I'd like, and I've done nothing so far to change that...I've come a long way in the past year. Integrated the parts of myself I thought I had to sequester to one form of writing, and only that. Grown more comfortable with expressing myself, and in the style I wish, blending them as necessary. It's been a beautiful process, nowhere as scary as I thought, and my writing is all the better for it.

So, the patterns I've noticed: an ambivalence toward gender, queerness, love in countless forms but always almost transcendent, everything is philosophical and profound if you look at the right way, beauty and awfulness in the same breath, and hope, that beautiful, fragile, worthwhile thing.

So what if these themes keeping coming up in my work? Are we not just writing the same book, over and over, a thousand ways?

Everything that needs to be said has already had its time. Unfortunately, no one was listening. So it must be said, again and again, each in a new way. In the hopes that at last, it will reach someone when they need it most.

Isn't that what fanfiction is for? Saving ourselves as much as the next person. Even if only in 300 words.

ZK: What, If Anything, Do You Implore The Reader To Remember About Fanfiction? What Have You Thought About During This Discussion You'd Like To Explore Further?

Sara: I kept the questions I wanted to ask you and then picked the question based on what seemed to be a good continuation of your answer. In that way I still wanted to ask you about the gift culture, the interaction in the fandom, reading and writing habits and process, experience with fandom drama, why participate, events, parasocial relationships, the role of tech in fanfiction and I would probably came up with some other topics, if we would continue.

Also, some of the topics, like identity or outside perception of the fanfiction, we touched upon. It would be interesting to go deeper.

Overall, it was fun talking about fanfiction regardless of the topics we touched upon.

Deciding on one point that I want the people to remember about fanfiction is hard. It was a hard decision between gift economy, the positivity and the creativity.

Writing fanfiction isn't even mostly about filling of the serial numbers to sell a story - like 50 Shades of Gray or the obsessive, stalkerish behaviour like depicted in the An Unauthorized Fan Treatise or even puritan attacks of the antis like explained in the 日本のオタクに知って欲しい、西洋のオタクスラング「Proship」という単語の意味と「Proshipper」という概念 (translated into English: Must-know for Japanese fandom: the meaning of "proship" and the concept of "proshippers" in Western fandom).

Fanfiction is a way to explore and share the material than might not be picked up in other forms, either because of not being 'commercially viable' or because some puritans decided that it is immoral. For example what Visa and Mastercard are doing currently.

It is a gift culture, where each story is a gift to the fandom, as are metas, fanart, recommendation lists, comments, events and all the other gifts that make this a community.

That is true for them long mystery stories as it is for the short PWP (plot what plot) with eggs. For the experienced writers and for the ones that are writing for the first time.

It is also a way to use the parasocial relationships in a positive way. In the book fandom, which you recommended, they mention that parasocial relationships can act as the training for the social and trust skills that can be used later.

Aragorn is not going to be disappointing and Luke Skywalker is not going to be neglectful, because they are fictional characters and therefore don't have their own will. Taylor Swift can serve as the inspiration and help to people.

That might be a reason why some people really enjoy xReader stories. While I don't think I have yet to wrote one, I did wrote a story where I used an online friend as a character. I did ask them for permission beforehand and give them for reading before publishing.

I wish that would be accepted as normal. A week and a half ago at the time of writing somebody was really careful when asking if the fanfiction I write also includes xReader.

Also, it is the most 'yes, and...' type of places that I know. It feels exhilarating. I will never be able to write out all the ideas that this place gives me. The encouragement of each other is something I wish I had in other places as well. I have yet to be able to replace it.

It is fun and interesting and creative and full of nice people.

It is normal.

If it is something I want people to take from this is how fun and normal this is.