No Going Back

You’ll find my attempt at a post with the aforementioned title, as suggested by Frances via our post title trade! Read more about the initiative, or contact me if you’d also like to trade!

If you search for my name on any social media platform (except for GitHub and LinkedIn, of course, but do they count?) you won’t find it.

If you do, it’s someone else called Zachary Kai (possible but unforeseen as it’s a strange name combination) or someone pretending to be me (unlikely as what could they gain from that?)

Why?

Not for morality, not for ethics, not for proving a point, or any other posturing or maneuvering. The only reason is because the longer I live, the more I realize how easily overwhelmed I am.

I live in a state of constant hyper-empathy and hyper-sensitivity. While being able to experience the world in all its vast complexity is a gift, it’s...too much.

It’s why I struggle to watch film as much as I enjoy it, remember things that didn’t happen to me but to characters from books long-forgotten, why I struggle to tell the difference between dream and memory, and take things to literally almost all the time.

It’s also why I notice the tiniest details, can think through almost any system, invent ways of circumnavigating or solving a problem, and process best through writing.

Until age fifteen, my only method of communicating with folks was email, much to my chagrin. I used Skype and Discord to converse with folks, but never enjoyed the experience (I wonder why?) So you can imagine my excitement at sixteen when I signed up for Instagram.

What a world it was. I’m sure I gained countless positive things from my time there (my memories are hazy) but all I remember is an...icky feeling. As my neurodivergence has had a hand in a struggle with impulse control...you might see where this is going.

Goodness knows how many hours of my life I lost to the infinite scroll. Something had to change. And it did. I deleted all my social media accounts in 2020. Haven’t looked back.

Yes, like any decision, there are downsides. I’m not as available for folks to get in contact with, nor as visible online or reachable. But for the sake of looking after my head, it’s been worth it.

I’m still participating in the ‘social web.’ Just in a different way.

Of course, making that choice wasn’t irreversible. I could sign up for an account today. But I won’t. It’s not perfect. But I’m learning. And in that is a freedom I’d forgotten was possible.

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